Arroyo to ‘2010’ prayer: ‘Oh my God’

MANILA, Philippines -- President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was caught off guard, when her press secretary prayed that she would continue to lead the nation "even beyond" the end of her term in 2010.

"Bless the President so we will have forbearance, good health, the tolerance to lead this nation up to 2010 and perhaps who knows even beyond," Press Secretary Jesus Dureza said at the end of the opening prayer he led at the start of a Cabinet meeting in the Aguinaldo State Dining Room on Tuesday.

Arroyo, looking embarrassed, covered her face and said: "Oh my God."

After regaining her composure, Arroyo told cameramen and photographers: "That prayer was off the record, so why don't we get everybody seated. Please, tama na, tama na [that's enough]."

Press Secretary Jesus Dureza said to the media, "Naguluhan lang ako, nagka-vision kasi ako habang nagdadasal."

He likewise prayed for newly-installed Senate President Juan Ponce-Enrile, whom he described as a "man for all seasons."

ALL you really need to know...

You are poor. You are a suspected thief. You get locked up.
You are rich. You are a suspected thief. You get a check up.

A contingency fund, a cash advance, and an intelligence fund. They are one and the same.

If you’re a police general and you couldn’t attend an Interpol conference abroad, send your wife instead.

Catholic bishops and nuns - the staunchest critics of the proposed bill to curb population explosion do not actually contribute to population growth.

Impeachment is a numbers game. Winners usually take home a seven–figure jackpot.

History tells us that it takes decades to build states and nations. Today, it only takes a MOA to create one.

When an economic adviser calls her president a “bitch,” something is wrong with the adviser. If he doesn’t get fired, something is wrong with the president.

Double budget insertions are perfectly legal. Unless discovered.

The surest way to get appointed in a government post is to lose in a national election.

When an executive clemency is granted shortly before midnight on a Friday, better check on the list of convicts to be released. You might be in for a surprise.

Relatives of murder victims who oppose the granting of an executive clemency to a murder convict must learn how to swim first before they appeal their case to the Justice secretary..

There are only two genuine groups of oppositionists in the country: the Communist Party of the Philippines, and ABS-CBN.

And thanks to the Commission on Human Rights, I have learned that when a suspected NPA or Moro rebel is tortured, that’s human rights violation. When a government soldier is killed by the suspected NPA or Moro rebel, that’s life.

Have a great week ahead!

Joc Time!!!!!

Jocjoc Bolante is Back
Former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn Bolante is back in the country. Upon his arrival, the very prompt eight-member team from the Office of the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms read the Upper Chamber’s order for his arrest. The first line of the arrest order reads, “We, the Senators of the Republic of the Philippines, fooled by Eliseo De La Paz last week, vow not to be fooled for the second consecutive week.”

Former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn Bolante arrived Tuesday night. In his arrival statement, Jocjoc said, “Now that I am back, I assure you that I will answer any and all accusations at the proper forum. I am ready to face the issues and all the malicious accusations against me.” He then denied rumors that ex-PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz wrote that statement for him.

When he is discharged from the hospital, Jocjoc Bolante will be detained at the Senate. A Philippine Star report says the detention room has air-conditioning unit, a bed, cable TV, electric fan, conference table, book shelf, white board, single bed, and two sofas. Nope, we’re not describing Claudio Teehankee Jr’s cell at the New Bilibid Prisons. The Quezon City Police District has deployed its personnel to provide round-the-clock security for former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn “Joc-joc” Bolante. The Senate has also sent eight men to protect him. Can anyone please check if there’s any security guy left for UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon?

An Inquirer report says former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante’s house in the posh Ayala Alabang village showed no sign that his homecoming would be festive. The uninhabited 80 million peso-mansion of the alleged architect of the “fertilizer fund scam” is adorned by ornamental plants, palm trees… and a couple of scarecrows.

Unconfirmed reports say the St. Luke’s Medical Center has released its latest medical bulletin on the health condition of former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante. His blood test showed unusual quantities of nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium (N-P-K).

Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada and his nun friends from La Salle wanted to visit Jocjoc Bolante at St. Luke’s Medical Center but the security was really tight. So tight that it’s reportedly even tighter than Lozada’s nun friends.

Like Hollywood’s notorious paparazzi, dozens of media men and women swooped in on former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn Bolante when he arrived at the NAIA last night. Next to Chris Tiu, Bolante is perhaps the most talked-about Atenean at this moment.

Finally
Jocjoc Bolante has finally been returned. We have waited so long for this event to happen. To give you an idea how long we have waited, when Bolante fled the country, he looked like First Gentleman Mike Arroyo. When he arrived, he looked more like Joker Arroyo.

Jocjoc Bolante is finally back. We have waited so long for this event to happen. To give you an idea how long it was, lawyer Harry Roque’s waist line was still 27 when it all started.

Jocjoc Bolante is back guys. Finally, he’s back. We have waited so long for this event to happen. To give you an idea how long it has been, the price of gasoline was at 35 pesos per liter level when he left.

Jocjoc Bolante is finally back. We have waited so long for this moment to happen. To give you an idea how long it has been: when Jocjoc Bolante left the country, Jose De Venecia was still GMA’s caddie when she played golf in China.

Jocjoc Bolante is finally back. We have waited so long for this moment to arrive. To give you an idea how long it has been: when Jocjoc Bolante left the country, Rustom Padilla was still straight.

Top 20 Movie Casting Choices That Were Meant to Be 2

20: ex-Sen. Ramon Revilla Sr.: Staying Alive

19: Vicki Belo & Ellen Lising: House of Wax

18: DOJ Sec. Raul Gonzales: The Jerk

17: Sen. Antonio Trillanes: Chasing Liberty

16: Tim Yap/DJ Montano: Close Encounters of the Third Kind

15: Mrs. Rose Flaminiano: Super Size Me

14: The Gucci Gang with the special participation of Ms. Nora Aunor: Romancing the Stone

13: Shell, Petron, and Caltex: Liar Liar

12: ABS-CBN News’ Maria Ressa: The Punisher

11: Nadia Montenegro: Grease

10: Doña Mary Ejercito: 10,000 BC

9: Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada: The Man Who Knew Too Much

8: Sen. Lito Lapid: Artificial Intelligence

7: ex-Sen. John Osmeña: Girl, Interrupted

6: (tie) MILF’s Kumander Bravo and Umbra Kato: Psycho and Jose “Joey” De Venecia III: V for Vendetta

5: Panfilo Lacson and Jamby Madrigal: Sister Act

4: Sen. Manuel Villar: Two for the Road

3: Sens. Loren Legarda & Edgardo Angara: An Inconvenient Truth

2: Claudio Teehankee Jr.: While You Were Sleeping

And the No. 1 movie casting choice that was meant to be…

1: Sen. Francis Pangilinan: Unfaithful

MEGA Di-nial [8-mcdo]

Impeachment and GMA
Losing National Broadband Network contract bidder Jose “Joey” De Venecia III said he would lead the filing of an impeachment complaint against President Arroyo. Personally though, I can think of a hundred and one reasons why this particular complaint would fail… and Joey De Venecia is all of them.

Impeachment and GMA II
Three-term congressman and now a Bise-Gobernador ng Iloilo strong message to the president that one cannot steal and get away with it.” If that’s true, then why is he still at large?

Noli for Presy?
Asked about his plans for 2010, vice president Noli De Castro said, “I don’t know.” And then added, “Ako, ‘di naman ako nangarap maging senador pero naging senador ako. ‘Di naman ako nangarap maging vice president, pero naging vice president ako. ‘Yong destiny na ang masusunod.” Apparently, De Castro and the Filipino people have similar fates: Ang mga Pilipino, hindi siya pinangarap maging senador, pero naging senador siya. Hindi siya pinangarap maging vice president, pero naging vice president siya. Kasalanan ng destiny ‘yan eh!

Not True!
Sen. Francis Pangilinan and megastar Sharon Cuneta have both denied reports their marriage is over. Ironically though, they issued the denial… separately.

Top 5 Signs Sen. Francis Pangilinan and Sharon Cuneta Have Separated

5: Angeli Pangilinan stops sending daily Biblical text quotes to sister-in-law Sharon Cuneta.

4: Senator Pangilinan starts going out with the very single… Mommy Elaine! (’Sing laki, pero ‘di ’sing mahal)

3: A special episode of the talk show “Sharon” talks about the secrets of being hot and handsome and will feature as guests Robin Padilla, Gabby Concepcion, and Richard Gomez.

2: When news of the separation reached the Senate, members of Senator Pangilinan’s staff as well as the Senate press corps all shouted, “Burger! Burger! Burger!”

And the No. 1 sign Sen. Francis Pangilinan and Sharon have separated…

1: Sharon changes her Myspace status from “Married” to “It’s complicated” while Senator Kiko Pangilinan modifies his Friendster status from “Married” to “Just Looking Around.”

2009 Badyet

SOURCE: Da BigBlog

2009 BUDGET
Pinabulaanan ni Speaker Prospero Nograles nitong Sabado ang mga hinala na may plano ang liderato ng Kamara de Representantes na madiskaril ang paghahain ng impeachment laban kay Pangulong Gloria Macapagal Arroyo dahil umano sa pagsusulong nito ng kontrobersyal na 2009 budget na pinuyat and mga secretariat officials dahil sa budget deliberation. “I do suppose it's always a game of numbers (impeachment complaint). But when the House gets back to work by November 10, by the time, but I hope not, we would start feeling the effects of the financial crisis," ayon kay Gonzales. In which Gloria said, "Feeling mo lang yun, ikaw kasi eh may pa impeach-impeach ka pa nalalaman."

LACSON
Itinanggi Sen. Panfilo Lacson nitong Sabado na bumoto siya pabor sa pagpasa ng Japan Philippines Economic Partnership Agreement (Jpepa) kapalit ng pag-imbestiga kay Senate President Manny Villar sa Senate ethics committee. "Napaka-petty na issue para ma-constitute ang ethics committee para diyan," pahayag ng senador sa panayam ng dwIZ radio. Sinabi ni Lacson na pinaboran niya ang kontrobersyal na kasunduan ng Pilipinas at Japan dahil naipangako n’ya kay Philippine Ambassador to Japan Domingo Siazon Jr na susuportahan ito. Sabi pa ni Lacson, "Na-address naman so sunod ko salita ko. Sabi ko my word is my bond, with a bond of cash" aniya.

TAGALOG QUEST
LAST Thursday, we began a tour of Tagalog through the centuries, tracing its origins and evolution. Toward the end of the article I asked readers to guess how a 17th century Tagalog would say "722 million dollars"--the amount allegedly salted away in overseas bank accounts by Sen. Panfilo Lacson and Estrada. While several readers wrote in asking for more specific information about Tagalog’s evolution, no one attempted to answer the 722-million-dollar question.

Song Tao FareWELL
Habang mainit pa ang usapin tungkol sa kontaminadong gatas mula sa China, nagpaalam na sa Malacanang ang embahador ng China na si Song Tao sa patatapos ng kanyang tour of duty sa Pilipinas nitong Biyernes. "China is very important to us in terms of diplomatic, socio-economic as well as political relations," pahayag ni Gng Arroyo kay Song. "So sorry to see you go. This is a very sad day for all of us. I hope you enjoyed your stay here," pahayag ng Pangulo kay Song sa kanilang pag-uusap sa Music Room ng Palasyo na tumagal ng 15-minuto para sa tinatawag na "farewell" call. Pag-labas ni Song sa Malacanang ito ay sumigaw ng "Wahoo! at last, maka-alis na nga dito!"

Sana na Kornihan kayo. Leave a comment na lang :D

Mega Isplit?

Source: The Professional Heckler
Jamby vs. Villar
Earlier this week, Sen. Jamby Madrigal filed an ethics complaint against Sen. Manuel Villar… but the Ethics Committee immediately dismissed it after reading the portion of the complaint that stated, “If the Senate President is ousted from the Senate, the complainant, Sen. Ana Consuelo Madrigal-Valade will be entitled to a portion of Villar’s wealth acquired through the development of the C5 road.”

Kiko, Sharon Split Up?
Unconfirmed reports say the 12-year marriage of Sen. Francis Pangilinan and megastar Sharon Cuneta is over. Kiko’s close friends were shocked by the report; Sharon’s closest friends were even more shocked the marriage lasted that long.


Kiko, Sharon Split Up? II
Makeup artist Fanny Serrano who’s currently in Hong Kong with his friend, Sharon Cuneta denied rumors that his megastar friend and husband Francis Pangilinan have separated. But showbiz insiders believe otherwise considering that Cuneta has been spending more time now with Fanny than with Kiko.

Kiko, Sharon Split Up? III
Rumors say Sen. Francis Pangilinan and megastar Sharon Cuneta have called it quits. Mrs. Rose Flaminiano is blaming Gabby Concepcion.

For Everybody
At the height of the alleged “double budget insertions” controversy, Senator Villar’s S&T slogan has spawned a variety of meanings. There’s Singit at Taga (coined by Senator Lacson, I believe), and C5 at Taga (I first read in Neal Cruz’ PDI column).

But there’s more. I’ve come up with S&T meanings for other local personalities. Enjoy reading!

What started it all… Sen. Manuel Villar: Sipag at Tiyaga

President Arroyo: Suka at T*e (If you know what I mean...)

Sen. Panfilo Lacson: Salvage at Tingga (Bang!)

Joseph Estrada: Sugal at Toma (Hik!)

First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: Sumpa at Taba

DOJ Sec. Raul Gonzales: Sira at Tanda

Nora Aunor: Sha*u at Tungga

DICK n' more

Source: The Professional Heckler

Gordon for President?
A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says Sen. Richard “Dick” Gordon has thrown his hat into the ring claiming there’s a clamor for him from some sectors to seek the presidency. Gordon vowed to identify those sectors as soon as they’ve been informed of their supposed clamor.

Top 3 Rejected Slogans for a Richard Gordon Presidential Campaign T-Shirt

1: Wala sa size ‘yan. Nasa performance. Just DICK it!

2: Laging buhay at nakasaludo: DICK sa pagka-pangulo!

3: Puwedeng pisilin. Puwedeng himasin. ‘Wag lamang gagalitin. That’s my DICK!

The Teehankee Clemency Anders Hultman, Maureen Hultman’s adoptive father has slammed President Arroyo’s granting of an executive clemency to Claudio Teehankee Jr., the man convicted of the killing of Maureen and her companion in 1991. In an email sent to the Inquirer, Anders said, “Why this president does this only God knows,” to which President Arroyo said, “Don’t drag an innocent being into the controversy. I haven’t talked to Him for a long time."

The Teehankee Clemency II
Of Teehankee’s release, an irate Sen. Loren Legarda said, “Are we turning into a country that does not respect the law, that abuses its powers of executive clemency?,” to which former president Joseph Estrada said, “So anong problema mo?!?”

Oil Price Rollback?
Oil companies refused to implement a price rollback despite a huge drop in world crude costs citing the “still, fluid situation.” But the militant Bagong Alyansang Makabayan demands an “immediate, substantial oil price rollback” insisting that the drastic drop in oil prices worldwide “undoubtedly” warrants a pump price reduction of at least 7 pesos per liter for diesel, 2 pesos and 30 cents for gasoline, and 8 pesos for kerosene. Gathering those figures was a remarkable effort on the part of Bayan… considering the fact that most of its members actually spend more time marching than getting a ride.

Postscript to a Showbiz Fight In its online survey, the Philippine Entertainment Portal asked, “Sino ang pinapaniwalaan mo: Cristy Fermin o Nadia Montenegro?” As of 1pm, Wednesday, 67% answered Nadia; 10% answered Cristy, the remaining 23% answered, “Anybody but the oil companies.”

Postscript to a Showbiz Fight II
The Philippine Entertainment Portal asked, “Sino ang mas pinapaniwalaan mo: Cristy o Nadia?” As of 1pm, Wednesday, 67% answered Nadia and 10% answered Cristy. ABS-CBN believes GMA 7 is rigging the survey.

The Confusing English Language and more

Did you ever think of the English language and its some funny defects. Well here's some. I've got this from an e-mail about those words and other things that sometimes makes you and me confuse.

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Hmm...
4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
8. Why is it called building when it is already built?
9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots? Interesting...
11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? Now that makes me think...
12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human?!?
13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this??

NOW! GET YOUR ASS BACK TO WORK! loz!

Mindanao 2028

Source: The Professional Heckler

Newspaper Headlines From the Independent State of Mindanao, Year 2028

Al Haj Murad seeks fresh term as Mindanao president,
Christian minority calls for boycott of polls

New government inaugurates police and military camps in Cotabato;
Osama Bin Laden is guest speaker

Commander Bravo sworn in as new chief of the Armed Forces of Mindanao

Abu Sayyaf Party wins big in local elections

Murad ignores pleas to release Piñol, 14 other political prisoners

President Escudero vows to block Mindanao’s bid for Asean membership

Fundamentalist cleric renews call to reclaim Sabah, invade Manila

Didagen Dilangalen named new Mindanao envoy to the Philippines

Suicide bomber attacks Lanao public market, suspect identified as Catholic

December 25 declared as a special working day, Christians cry foul

Ailing Joma Sison hits Malacañang, to seek asylum in Mindanao instead

Mindanao adopts “kudarat” as new currency unit

Government issues list of new national symbols:
Durian is national fruit; tuna, nat’l fish; airsoft, nat’l sport and Fernando Poe Jr., national hero

Nokia unveils latest cell phone unit, new feature can detonate 10 bombs simultaneously

RP-Mindanao Friendly Games seen to ease tension between the two states

Maranao lass is 1st ever Bb. Mindanao, eyes Miss Universe 2029 title

The Holiday Shocks & More

A Click helps a lot.

Source: The Professional Heckler

Ramadan Ends
The Holy month of Ramadan officially ended Monday evening with the appearance of the new moon. Apparently, Malacañang miscalculated and erred in the declaration of a holiday. So while Muslims rejoice in celebrating Eid’l Fitr today, Christians will rejoice over another non-working day tomorrow.

Ramadan Ends II
Instead of Tuesday, Malacañang declared Wednesday a holiday in celebration of Eid’l Fitr. When it comes to declaring holidays, palace officials never run out of surprises. So watch out! We might just celebrate Christmas on November 1!

The POC Elections
Art Macapagal is seeking to replace Jose “Peping” Cojuangco as president of the Philippine Olympic Committee. Art who? He’s the half-brother of President Arroyo. Or to be more precise, the president is his half sister.

Chinese Milk Scare and Chocolates
Mars, maker of M&M and Snickers chocolates, insists that its products are all safe. It has also denied rumors that M&M actually stands for Milk & Melamine.

Tax on Text
House Speaker Prospero Nograles wants to revive the proposed tax on text messaging to generate funds for, listen to this: “education and health care.” Education and health care. Wow, he must be following the US presidential campaign religiously.

Ces Drilon Returns
After completing her three-month suspension for disobeying her superiors, newsreader Ces Drilon will return tomorrow, October 1 as anchor of ABS-CBN’s “Bandila.” Nope she was not alllowed to resign. Why would the network let go of someone they bailed out from the Abu Sayyaf for millions of hard-earned pesos?

Bb. Pilipinas-Wold Resigns
Controversial Bb. Pilipinas-World titlist Janina San Miguel has reportedly resigned citing as reason her grandfather’s recent death. She will no longer compete in the Miss World pageant in December. Asked if the death of her lolo is putting pressure on her right now, Janina replied, “Yes, the death of her lolo is putting pressure on her right now! It’s a tough dead.”

Pinoy Films Win
Three Filipino films won in the recently concluded Bangkok International Film Festival: Francis Xavier Pasion’s “Jay,” Brillante Mendoza’s “Serbis,” and John Torres’ “When I Was A Child Outside.” In the Philippines, they are referred to as Indie… Indie pinapanood, Indie kumikita.

MVP and Basketball
PLDT president Manny V. Pangilinan is celebrating two victories in two weeks: The Ateneo Blue Eagles’ UAAP championship, and the San Beda Red Lions’ NCAA win. He’s a proud alumnus of both schools. In a few days, San Beda’s top playmaker John Paul Escobal (in photo) is reportedly joining Pangilinan’s Talk ‘N Txt team in the PBA. Sought for a confirmation, Pangilinan said, “Yes he is! And that’s win No. 3 for me.”